dilemma

I have to make a big decision by February 4, 2005. I have to decide if 1) I want to renew my Japanese employment contract for yet another year�pushing my return to the motherland back to August �06�or 2) if I want to return to the United States to resume my life in academia�what I was escaping from when I first came to Japan.

Either option has great benefits, neither option has major drawbacks.

When I first came to Japan, the plan was to stay for only one year�but that plan changed as soon as I got half way across the Pacific. The decision was reinforced when I found that I the town I live in is charming, clean, and safe; the apartment that I live in is charming, clean, and safe; the school that I work at is charming, clean, and safe; Japan�s railway transportation is charming, clean, and safe; and my students are usually charming, clean, and safe. I have a good salary, eat good food, and live a good life�and I know it.

This is the problem: I know how fortunate I am and feel that it would be foolish to pass up a chance at another year of this life. A phrase that my mother is fond of using keeps running through my head, �Don�t look a gift-horse in the mouth.�

When I first came to Japan, I was physically and mentally exhausted from 4 solid years spent as a dedicated architecture student. I was fed up with project discussions riddled with the latest tres chic design jargon, classmates with big egos and small brains, professors that can�t teach because they�re overly concerned with bureaucracy, the ever-soaring prices of art supplies, and the grey paint and fluorescent lights that are a favorite of institutions everywhere.

I had run the collegiate gamut in a very respectable time and knew that what I needed was a break.

Now that I�ve gotten what I needed, it�s time to act on what I want.

I want to be a student again. I want to be amongst the 20-somethings that my charming, clean, and safe town in Japan lacks. I have spent a year and a half thinking, now I want to build, draw, and paint.

I also want to continue my education abroad and the personal relationships I�ve started [I am moderately thankful that there are no romantic relationships to be considered]. I want to continue to be paid well. I want to continue my independent lifestyle.

I don�t want to regret returning to the US prematurely.

The other day, I was reading an old magazine that my sister-in-law sent me and came across a bit of wisdom in an interview with Ethan Hawke. [I was doing some major cleaning and was re-reading magazines before throwing them out, because I wanted to be sure and get all the useful information from them that I could�that�s exactly why I was reading an interview about Mr. Hawke.] Ethan brings up an issue that is weighing heavily on my decision-making process: competition. More specifically: competition amongst peers.

Often I feel that I am over here treading water while my former classmates are creating and designing, and building their portfolios�gaining the upper hand.

Some time ago, Ethan presumably said, �You think you�ve got a balanced view of the world when you�re in your early 20s, and then five years pass and you realize you didn�t understand anything. In your 20s, it�s hard not to see life as a competition. I�ve come to realize now that if someone else does well, it has no bearing on how I�m doing. If someone else fails, it doesn�t make me do any better. And if someone else is a big hit, it doesn�t mean that I�m doing any worse.�

Ethan says stay in Japan. Mom and Dad say return to America. Japan friends say stay. Money says stay. Loneliness says return. Education says return. The part of me that finds hardship stimulating says stay. The part of me that doesn�t like to feel left behind says return.